The Absolute Most Stupid Ways To Die

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It’s fine to live stupid. It’s not our fault if paint chips be so OMG THEY’RE JUST DELICIOUS. But you do want to straighten things out eventually, or you’ll die stupid, too. Don’t die stupid. Like this:
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Choking On Your Own Tongue

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Choking On Your Own Tongue

Notice that this is significantly worse than dying choking on someone else’s tongue. The moral: less talking, more kissing. If you traumatize her by strangling to death on her tongue, she’ll remember you forever!
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You Drink Too Much Anti-Freeze

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You Drink Too Much Anti-Freeze

Anti-freeze: Just like Mom used to make! Remember, a little anti-freeze goes a long way. When it’s a cocktail.
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Starving In A supermarket

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Starving In A supermarket

No one wants an ironic death. Who wants people at their funeral scratching their chins, saying ‘Hmm…’ But the worst would be dying in the Cereal section, having your last vision be Snap, Crackle and Pop, Tony the Tiger and the Trix Rabbit smirking down at you as you die, going ‘Yah, lookit the dumbass in Aisle 4.’
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Listening To Justin Beiber Too Long

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Listening To Justin Beiber Too Long

Haters. M.I.T. scientists who say this sure will be surprised by Bieber’s concept album, the one that’ll make ‘Sgt. Pepper’ look like child’s play. They sure will!
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Snapping Your Neck On An Office Chair

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Snapping Your Neck On An Office Chair

Actually, this doesn’t happen very often.
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Trying To Eat A Big Mac In One Bite And Choking

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Trying To Eat A Big Mac In One Bite And Choking

This would be a great gag (excuse the expression) for a line of Mickey D commercials. ‘How big IS a Big Mac?’ Let’s talk to Jane, widow of Frank (1980-2015)…’
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Try To Catch A Piranha With Your Own Tongue

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Try To Catch A Piranha With Your Own Tongue

If you use someone else’s tongue to bait the piranha, then you’ll have years ahead to mock them for falling for your trick. Cruel, perhaps, but it beats making incomprehensible ‘a-a-a’ sounds for the rest of your life.
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Forgetting How To Breathe

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Forgetting How To Breathe

This is why Ginkgo Biloba is so important. It’s good for your memory. Vitamin E, too. Some people carry written instructions with them at all times, in case they do forget. The instructions are simple (‘Step 1: Exhale. Step 2: Inhale. Step 3: Repeat’) so you can read them while blacking out.
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Getting Your Head Ripped Off In An Elevator

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Getting Your Head Ripped Off In An Elevator

Remember, when taking an elevator, put ALL your body parts inside the car. Elevators are out to get you. They’re out to swallow you and TAKE YOU DOWN (or up). Think they’d be bothered having to spit your head out when they arrive at ‘Mezzanine’? Think again.
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